Have you ever Googled “how to get rid of perfectionism?” or “perfectionism pros and cons”? I understand the unique pressures faced by many of us living in the DC Metro area. If you often find yourself in a cycle of over productivity, striving for an unattainable ideal, feeling overwhelmed by self-imposed expectations, and constantly fearing failure, you might be dealing with perfectionism. While aiming for excellence is commendable, perfectionism can be a heavy burden that affects your mental health and overall well-being. It may also be impacting your family, relationships, and loved ones. Here, we’ll explore five practical strategies to help you overcome perfectionism: cultivating self-compassion, challenging unrealistic standards, embracing vulnerability, building emotional resilience, and pursuing support networks. Let’s dive in!
1) Cultivate Self-Compassion:
Self-compassion is about treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend, or, in many cases, a stranger. Research by Dr. Kristin Neff has shown that self-compassion can significantly reduce the harmful effects of perfectionism. When you make a mistake or don’t meet your own high standards, instead of berating yourself, try to respond with empathy and kindness. Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes and that these experiences are opportunities for growth, not signs of failure.
Wondering how to practice self-compassion? Here are a few places to start. Mindful self-talk is an opportunity to notice self-critical thoughts, pause and reframe them into more supportive and compassionate statements. Working with my patients I don’t recommend creating a purely optimistic or artificially inflated self-talk, I ask them to aim for a neutral statement. Think, ‘I am fully human experiencing disappointment.” Self-Compassion Breaks can easily be supported by adding an alarm or reminder on your phone. You can also take a moment during stressful times to acknowledge your feelings, recognize that others experience similar struggles, and offer yourself some words of comfort, as you would anyone else in your circumstance.
Don’t want to stop there? Check out these eight self-compassion practices recommended by Dr. Neff.
2) Challenging Unrealistic Standards:
Perfectionists often set unattainably high standards for themselves. There are many reasons why this is, but you don’t have to know those origins to challenge them. These unrealistic expectations can lead to chronic stress and disappointment for you and your loved ones. To counter this, it’s important to regularly evaluate and adjust your standards to ensure they are realistic and achievable. I also recommend designing a life with some emotional margins as a busy lifestyle has a way of throwing us unexpected curveballs.
Two techniques to practice challenging unrealistic standards are taking a quick reality check and examining your priorities. Taking a moment and taking a quick reality check of yourself and asking yourself if your standards are reasonable. Would you expect the same from others? If this seems simple, it is! It’s not always easy, though. Deliberate decisions rarely are. Feel free to ask a trusted friend or colleague if they think your standards are reasonable for a little accountability. And then, practice trusting their feedback.
Examining your priorities can also help ensure you are pouring your efforts and energy in a direction that aligns with your core values. Identify what truly matters and focus your energy on those areas. Let go of the need for perfection in less important tasks. Aligning your energy with your core values is the foundation of curating a life you don’t need to escape from.
3) Embrace Vulnerability:
4) Cultivate Emotional Resilience:
Emotional resilience is the ability to bounce back from setbacks and adapt to challenges. Building resilience can help you cope better with the ups and downs of life without resorting to perfectionistic behaviors. This ability rests in the brain’s ability to be flexible rather than adhere to the rigidity of perfectionism.
Mindfulness meditation techniques and positive reframing are two ways you can begin building emotional resilience. The myth of mindful meditation is that the goal is to quiet the noise in your head. I am always reassuring myself and my patients that practices of mindfulness are meant to increase your awareness of the present moment, even if it includes noise, distraction, or interruptions. Noticing these things and gently guiding ourselves back to our stress reduction goal is the only expectation. Additionally, learning to reframe negative experiences as opportunities for growth and learning may also allow us to grow emotional resilience.
5) Pursue Support Networks:
Having a strong support network is crucial in overcoming perfectionism. Surround yourself with people who understand you, encourage you, and help you maintain a balanced perspective. This may also involve practicing vulnerability from above. Creating a support network through participation in support groups or communities where you can share experiences and gain insights from others facing similar challenges. Also, consider working with a therapist who specializes in perfectionism and can provide tailored strategies and support. Be assured that a strong support network does not require being a large network.
Overcoming perfectionism is a journey, not a destination. It involves ongoing effort and a willingness to embrace change. By cultivating self-compassion, challenging unrealistic standards, embracing vulnerability, building emotional resilience, and pursuing supportive relationships, you can move towards a balanced approach to the demands of day to day life. The therapists at Mid-Atlantic Psychotherapy have experience in helping people just like you and are able to help you practice any of the techniques from above. Mid-Atlantic Psychotherapy is a fully virtual practice to meet your busy lifestyle. We have therapists who offer daytime and evening appointments to residents of DC, Maryland, and Virginia.
Interested in Reading More?
- Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101.
- Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.
- Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2013). A Pilot Study and Randomized Controlled Trial of the Mindful Self-Compassion Program. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(1), 28-44.
- Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing.
- Seligman, M. E. P. (2011). Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being. Free Press.
- Siegel, D. J. (2010). The Mindful Therapist: A Clinician’s Guide to Mindsight and Neural Integration. W. W. Norton & Company.
- Kabat-Zinn, J. (2003). Mindfulness-Based Interventions in Context: Past, Present, and Future. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 10(2), 144-156.
About the Author
Christina Moynihan is the Owner of Mid-Atlantic Psychotherapy, a web-based psychotherapy practice aimed at helping overwhelmed individuals prioritize their mental health. With over twenty years of professional clinical social work experience, she has had the honor of working with populations suffering from grief and loss, HIV/AIDS, addiction/harm reduction and recovery, perinatal challenges, systemic racism and injustice, mental health struggles, and trauma. Since 2015, she has also served as an adjunct professor at her alma mater, Mount Saint Mary’s University. With the desire to reduce the challenges people face attempting to access mental health care, Christina created Mid-Atlantic Psychotherapy in 2023. In her time away from work, Christina is an exhausted parent of two amazing children and strives to be a positive role model for them.